A while back, I created a video on why the narcissist hoovers. Today we’re going to cover the topic from the complete opposite angle: why they don’t.
Has their opinion of you really changed? Is it because the new supply is somehow better?
In this blog post, we explore why the narcissist stops hoovering.
What is hoovering?
Just a quick refresher to those who may be new to this sort of thing. The term hoover comes from the vacuum brand and refers to the behavior toxic people use to suck you back into their web after they’ve either discarded you or you’ve chosen to go no contact.
I’ll link to my video on why the narcissist hoovers, so you can check that out. But for now, we’re going to cover why they stop.
Who is attractive to a narcissist?
To understand this, we have to understand the things that might make you attractive to a narcissist in the first place.
I talk more in-depth about these things in my Narcissist’s Test video. But you should know that the things a narcissist finds attractive aren’t the same things an emotionally healthy person would.
When looking for a new target, a narcissist will test you for signs of codependency. There are definitely different opinions on whether they know what they’re doing. I don’t believe they do. I think it’s more instinctual.
But it doesn’t really matter why they’re doing it. Your best defense against an emotionally abusive person is to strengthen your own boundaries and to work on self-love. I say this often, but the only way to move forward is to shift your focus within.
And the same holds true with the hoover. You may have let a narcissist blast through your boundaries in the past, but when you stop doing that, you’re going to become a lot less attractive to a narcissist. And that’s a good thing.
But like everything in life, this isn’t a black and white issue. It’s not that you have weak boundaries one day and suddenly strong ones the next. Many of us find ourselves in a situation where we’re working through things when the narcissist comes back. It becomes a bit of a dance where you know the right choices and you can clearly see the way out, but part of you wants to go back. This is the danger zone.
And there are two things I want to say about that:
- If you were the one to discard and go no contact, taking a narcissist back is the absolute worst thing you can do. From my own personal experience and from all I’ve learned on narcissism, it’s not a matter of if they will punish you, it’s a matter of when. And as you already know, these people can be brutal. So if you were the one to discard, let this be more of a reason to keep your no contact rule in place. It’s really about self-preservation at this point.
- You have a choice to make. Choose you or choose them. That’s not a choice any person should have to make in a healthy relationship. But this isn’t a healthy relationship. We’ve all been in these relationships, and they can make you feel like you’ve gotten swept up in someone else’s tide. Just when you’re swimming out, they’re trying to pull you back in. This isn’t an accident, btw. It’s about control. And your choice is to keep swimming or to let their tide sweep you away once again.
If you’re lucky enough to have both the time and desire to work on your boundaries and self-love and self-care and all those good things before a narcissist hoovers, you may have made it to the shore and want nothing to do with this toxic person.
But the interesting thing that happens is that when you get to that point, the person doesn’t want you anymore either. And it has NOTHING to do with your value as a person. Narcissists prey on the vulnerable, and when they finally realize that you’ve become strong, they will leave you alone. They may give it a few tries before they give up, but when you stop reacting and stop letting them push your boundaries, they’ll move along.
You can kind of think of these opportunistic people like vultures. You don’t see vultures flocking to healthy animals. They’re usually only present when there’s extreme vulnerability.
So, if you’re dealing with a narcissist who has stopped hoovering, it’s very much a good thing. You don’t want to be an easy target.
And if you’re among those who want the narcissist to hoover again, there’s a good chance you haven’t broken free from the trauma bond. I highly suggest you watch my video on it because we’ve all been there, and the only way out is to get the narcissist out of your life as much as possible.
You might be tempted to think the narcissist isn’t or wouldn’t hoover because they have new supply. But I can tell you, and I’m sure many others will comment along the same lines, narcissists don’t have a problem with cheating on or discarding supply. It’s not about the new supply or the narcissist. It’s about becoming less attractive to the vultures of our society. Ultimately, it’s about you.